None For Gretchen Weiners

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Girl Scouts USA = Major Drug Cartel

Most of you may have noticed the miniature Columbian drug lords around town, using their cuteness to convince you to buy narcotics from them. They only come around once a year, but when they do, all hell breaks loose.

If you don’t know what I’m referring to, you’re about to have a HOLY SHIT moment when you realize that you’ve been conned into buying crack cocaine in bulk quantities every February/March.

I’m talking, of course, about Girl Scouts.

I guess they technically wouldn’t be drug lords, but more like the Falcons. Or, Halcones, as they call them in Columbia. The Girl Scouts of the USA organization was founded in 1912, but in the late 1930s they decided to really get in the game and form an underground drug cartel as a big “eff you” to the men who had been running the show prior. This eventually would help fuel the women’s rights movement 30-ish years later. Their business is black-market but their product is mainstream – maximizing profitability while capitalizing on vulnerability. Sell cookies, but put DRUGS in them. Genius.

Girl Scout cookies are the most addictive product on the market since crystal meth. I’m surprised the FDA hasn’t put a warning on them yet. I heard Nicorette is actually creating a sub-brand aimed at helping addicts alleviate their cravings. ThinMinterett. It’s a work in progress, don’t judge them.

Think about it – you can’t just eat one cookie. You have one, and then seventeen cookies later, you’re in the fetal position, crying in a fit of self-loathing, clutching an empty box and cursing the demon-child that sold it to you.

The only logical explanation is that Girl Scout cookies are actually laced with crack cocaine. And the real problem isn’t just that they’re addicting, but that there are approximately 47 grams of saturated fat in each cookie (I potentially overestimated). So not only are they addicting, but they’re also LETHAL. It’s like hooking up an IV of butter to your carotid artery. Except you love it.

I recently bought a box of Samoas, but promised myself I wouldn’t eat them till after spring break. I hid it from myself in my textbook drawer, since I never open it, and prayed that I’d forget it was there. You want to know who behaves like that? Drug addicts.

Not gonna lie, Samoas are hands down my favorite food in the world besides In-N-Out. Tasting a Samoa is like experiencing a miracle. You never knew something could ever be so good. If I didn’t have a relative understanding of physical health and/or a decent amount of self-respect, I’d be a f*cking whale right now. I would literally die because of my dietary choices. Each time the little drug dealers came around in their green skirts and berets, I’d stock up like a nuclear winter was upon us. And I’d follow up each box of Samoas with a Double-Double. Mmmmm.

Thank God I’m self-conscious. Without that, I’d have diabetes in like two weeks.

Part of what helps me maintain some semblance of self-control is the timing. They sell in the month leading up to spring break. This just proves how evil they truly are. They’re selling you a box with enough fat content inside to nourish a third-world country for a month, RIGHT before the one time you’re about to prance around half-naked for a week. Cabo diet? Whatever! It’s Girl Scout cookie time.


Don’t let these little girls victimize you. They may look cute, but they’re inherently evil. Remember: DRUG CARTEL.


One comment on “Girl Scouts USA = Major Drug Cartel

  1. TeeHay
    June 7, 2012

    Loved it, good job writing this

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This entry was posted on March 2, 2012 by and tagged , , , , , , .
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