None For Gretchen Weiners

Stuff I like that you might also enjoy

MAN STUFF

It seems that I have inadvertently alienated my male readers. Makes sense, with posts about Starbucks, Tanning and Justin Bieber. Sorry I’m feminine. I can’t even write this post without watching Food Network and sipping a skinnygirl margarita.

To compensate, I decided to talk about six man things… it’s like an apology or something. This one’s for you, boys.

Let me try to get your attention again.

I don’t know if that worked, but I’m gonna keep going.

I think I got a feel for what boys like. I watched the second Transformers the other day, and think I have it boiled down to an equation: Robots fighting + some jokes from Shia LeBoeuf + Megan Fox (in immaculate white pants that stay perfectly clean through multiple motor-oil-infused explosions in the Egyptian desert… sorry what was I doing? oh yeah math) = male entertainment.

“Gurl, HOW are your pants so clean? LOL”

My brother told me I was wrong (whatever) so I watched the Heat game with him. Well… I mean I fell asleep but when I woke up the Heat were up by like 20 points so I feel like I saw the important part. Here’s what I got.

1) SPORTS

Okay, so I’ve been asking around to see why people hate LeBron James so much. My brother is obsessed with him, but my brother is also obsessed with a lot of other things that confuse me, so I outsourced.

Some quotes from friends:

“LeBron is the most hated athlete in sports”

“I hate him”

“He calls himself ‘The King’ and ‘The Chosen One'”

“He’s a douche”

“He made his own TV special about being traded”

“Just look at his twitter”

“Everyone gets traded but he made it like he was dying”

“It was the most melodramatic thing I’ve ever seen”

“He basically said hate me all you want, because you all live boring lives”

Let me get this straight…

LeBron is a self-made reality TV star who said “haters gon hate but whatever cuz you’re boring” (I’m paraphrasing here)???

I LOVE HIM.

The Athlete Formerly Known As LeBron

I’m surprised that more people aren’t infatuated with his unbridled self-confidence. It’s hilarious. Without people like King James, the athlete formerly known as LeBron, how else would plebeians like us find entertainment in our boring lives??

2) OTHER SPORTS

So it’s baseball season…..

………………

………………………………………………………….

3) HOT CHICKS

Here’s my list of the people I wish I looked like hottest chicks of today

Now that I’ve completely obliterated my self esteem, let’s move on.

4) MEAT

Hey look at this cheeseburger

NOM

This is something I can relate to. In-N-Out is my favorite food, and God’s way of compensating for California’s economy and public school system. It’s like, “hey, yeah… so.. uh.. there are going to be a lot of bad things on the west coast, but I’m gonna give you double doubles so let’s call it a wash.” A double double is a magical explosion of flavor, given to you TWO TIMES in one sandwich. It’s like a tiny miracle of life, swaddled in red paper.

5) CARS

Here’s a car that I want. It’s not available in the U.S.. Minor detail.

Obviously I don’t want it in this heinous diarrhea color

6) BEER

I got my mom a brewing kit last Christmas (I know, I’m awesome), so she forced me to make beer with her. She let me pick the recipe, so naturally I chose something that sounded fruity – cherry stout. Apparently we were light on the cherry and heavy on the stout, because it tasted NOTHING like cherries. I was pissed, but the boys loved it. If you want to try your own hand at making a beer that tastes nothing like fruit, here’s a recipe from our friends at Hydrobrew:

Cherry Stout

Ingredients:

7.8 lbs Light Malt Extract

30z Roasted Barley

5oz Black Patent

80z Chocolate Malt

1 lb Caramel 80L (I discovered that this is not actually caramel)

1oz German Hallertau Hops AA 4.6%

1 pt Montmorency Cherry Juice Concentrate

English Ale Yeast WLP002

Instructions:

Heat 2 gallons of water to 160°, turn off heat, steep milled grains 15 mins

Discard grains, bring liquid to a boil, turn heat off again

Stir in liquid malt extract until completely dissolved, bring back to a boil

Add first oz of hops, set timer for 60 mins

At the 30 min mark, at 1/2 oz of hops, at the 55 min mark, add another 1/2 oz

Turn off heat after the 60 minutes, cool the concentrated wort to 90° or less

Strain into 6.5 gallon carboy, top up with cold water to 5 gallons

Add cherry concentrate and yeast

Attach blow off tube and ferment at 68°

WAIT A LONG TIME (2 weeks)

Bottle it, store in cool dark place

WAIT A LONG TIME AGAIN (2-3 weeks)

Refrigerate

Get wasted

This method saves no money and takes over a month. However, you get mad hipster points for brewing your own beer. I wish you got the same amount of street cred for making cookies, because I’d be way more popular right now.

If you have more time on your hands than you do self-confidence, I’d highly recommend home brewing.

So there you have it – I tried to be masculine. I probably failed, but, you know… A for effort, right..? When I went to surf camp when I was little, we had a contest. My brother got 1st place and I got “Hardest Worker.” That pretty much sums up the joke that is my life.

Anyway, I promise to consider the feelings of my male readers from here on out.

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One comment on “MAN STUFF

  1. Pingback: Help me I’m poor! « None For Gretchen Weiners

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This entry was posted on June 29, 2012 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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