None For Gretchen Weiners

Stuff I like that you might also enjoy

AMURRCUH

Just press play and get in the patriotic spirit:

Image

There has been a bit of an anti-American trend in recent years, among the college-aged in particular. You know what I say to that? I say shut up and listen! You’re about to take a big sip from the half-full, American-made glass that is your life.

Since I’ve dedicated this blog to talk about stuff I like (and I’m a pretty big fan of the stars & stripes), I present to you:

WHY AMERICA IS EFFING RAD

Stop Being An Ingrate And Appreciate Your Life

1) America doesn’t allow public stoning of human beings as a form of punishment

Seriously – I mean, not to get too serious, but in other countries, there are some insane punishments (especially for women) for really low-key crimes. In China, they limit the amount of children you have (sometimes by force) and in other nations, it is acceptable to physically mutilate children.

I’m thinking at this point you’re already starting to feel more fortunate, so I’ll lighten up a little bit.

2) America let’s you eat what you want – you can be as fat or as skinny as you please!

American Dreams

3) America doesn’t take crap from anyone.

4) Thanks to America, I’m literate (and apparently you are too!)

In some countries, women aren’t allowed to read or get an education. I don’t always read books, but when I do, America doesn’t behead me. Thanks America!

5) America made Disneyland, Apple and Coca-Cola

Combined, these brands employ almost a half a million people globally. America has graced the global community with the happiest place on earth, the trendiest technology, and the most efficient way to rot the enamel on your teeth. You’re welcome, rest of the world.

6) America invented (most) sports (that people care about)

Baseball and Football were both invented in America. Basketball was invented by a Canadian in America, because clearly he didn’t have the freedom to do so in Canada.

7) America is good at calling dibs

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Good job, America.

8) America is generous

America donates $58 billion a year to other countries. How thoughtful! That’s almost as much as I make in a year. You’re welcome again, rest of the world.

9) America loves country music

According to Zac Brown and his crew, were it not for U.S. soldiers, we would have to sacrifice our ability to fry chicken, drink refrigerated beer on weekends, and wear well-fitting jeans. I think we can rest assured knowing our men did not die in vain.

10) America made this little Canadian boy’s dreams come true

You’re welcome, Justin Bieber

In summary, if you’re feeling pissed off at America, just remember that you could be feeling pissed off in Nowhereville Africa, starving and half-naked in the Sahara. Things could be a lot worse. Nothing in this world is perfect, and America is no exception to that rule. Start focusing on the positive.

Happy FOURTHAJULY! AMURRCUH!!!!

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One comment on “AMURRCUH

  1. Steve
    July 6, 2012

    Outstanding!!

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This entry was posted on July 3, 2012 by and tagged .
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