None For Gretchen Weiners

Stuff I like that you might also enjoy


So recently I’ve been partaking in this juicing trend that I’ve been told is “all the rage.” Instead of eating vegetables like a normal human, I now liquify them and consume them through a straw because I’m too fucking trendy to chew my food and salads are like, so 2009. Am I right? Over it! Why would I waste my time chewing kale when I can drink it? Exactly. Solid foods are so mainstream.

mainstream vegetables

mainstream vegetables


a trendy meal

Also, since I work in a hipster-saturated industry where everyone is constantly trying to out-trend the next street chic urbanite (can you be an urbanite if you’re from Orange County?), I felt obligated to get on board. My distressed skinny jeans and combat boots clearly weren’t cutting it so I had to seriously up the ante. You know things are serious when what you eat starts counting toward your street cred. Food no longer simply nourishes – IT DEFINES YOU.

"What do you mean you don't juice? Loser."

“What do you mean you don’t juice? Loser.”

So in my quest for cool points, I found a local market and made a bee line to the juice bar. Turns out, in spite of the extraordinarily off-putting color, green juice is actually kind of delicious (if done correctly). However, juicing doesn’t really work with being poor. Let’s not beat around the all-natural unpasturized organic bush though: I’ll pretty much do anything to seem skinnier/cooler. Seeing how pretending to be gluten free doesn’t work for me (because, carbs. duh.), I guess I don’t mind dropping $7 a serving on a 400% markup, or potentially buying a juicer that costs more than my television. On the off chance that you also don’t give a shit about blowing your money, here are a variety of options for you to do so:

Mother’s Market (OC)

the logo says it all

the logo says it all

My favorite juice at Mother’s potentially is less healthy than it appears, but I’m not going to look into it.

cucumber base + spinach, pineapple, lemon & cayenne on ice. spicy, sweet, tangy and on the less expensive side compared to some other options. win.

G’s Juice (Playa Del Ray)

here it is

here it is

A small, hole-in-the-wall shop with fresh, made-to-order juice. Also relatively inexpensive.

Green Machine: green apple, cucumber, spinach, kale, celery, parsley (add ginger and pineapple). hands down, one of the best green juices i’ve had. you can thank me later.

Kreation Juice (LA)

juice playground

juice wonderland

Mostly known for raping your wallet. They serve cold pressed juices in bottles, made the night before locally. I’ll eat/drink anything that has coconut in it, so naturally I’m Kreation’s newest stalker VIP.

deSTRESS: coconut + strawberry + apple

filling and better than a jamba juice. another win.

Master Cleanse: agave + lemon + cayenne

like spicy lemonade. actually amazing.

GREEEN 2: romaine + spinach + kale + parsley + cucumber + apple + lemon

was so green it tasted like I was eating a garden so I cut it with some OJ. crisis averted.

ENHANCE: coconut + coconut water + cacao

like an almond joy shake with only a hint of sugar. mild, chocolatey and delicious.

BluePrint Juice (sold nationally)

really, really, really effing expensive

really, really, really effing expensive

CASHEW MILK: cashew vanilla cinnamon agave

I was actually pissed off that I liked this one so much. In a whirlwind afternoon of emotional compromise, I was short on time and grabbed a few things in front of me without price checking. Mistake. Shit was TWELVE dollars. There are only 16 oz. in a bottle. I thought it was a joke, so I laughed at the cashier. Another mistake. Anyway, I was really hoping it would be disgusting so I could justify hating on the price… but it wasn’t. It was freaking delicious and I’M SO MAD ABOUT IT. In a nut (haha… get it) shell, it’s a meal; sweet, mild, creamy, fills you up. Ok I’m done talking about it.

Suja (Whole Foods in CA and AZ)

the suja option, at whole foods (the trendiest of grocers)

the suja option, at whole foods (the trendiest of grocers)

VANILLA CLOUD: coconut almond honey cinnamon nutmeg vanilla

It kind of tastes like a fall Yankee candle (I bet you really wana try it now, huh). Pretty sure that’s the nutmeg. Like a dessert replacement. It’s $8, so if you’re willing to throw down $8 to avoid cravings of cinnamon rolls (this was a life or death (fat) decision for me so I totally am) then be my guest.

In my rabid craze of juice comparison, I tried to find juice in the North County San Diego area, and to my wallet’s relief dismay it was to no avail. Apparently the Carlsbad/Encinitas area really just isn’t with the times as much as it thinks it is. Oh well. Maybe someday, good luck with that San Diego.

At the end of this past month, I evaluated my finances and realized that I spent 75% of my monthly food budget on juice. Yep. I literally spent three quarters of my income allocated for nutrition and survival on LIQUIFIED VEGETABLES. I have decided that it is now probably a good idea to seek professional help purchase a juicer. Let you know how that goes….

until then, good luck with this liquid magic.

until then, good luck with this liquid magic.

…am I cool yet?!


3 comments on “Juiced.

  1. Patrick Towersey
    March 21, 2013

    GO TO MOON JUICE IN VENICE – THE UBER COOL SPOT !!! keep it juicey Dominator.

  2. Shanon
    July 22, 2013

    Wow, this paragraph is good, my sister is analyzing
    these things, thus I am going to convey her.

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This entry was posted on January 24, 2013 by and tagged , , , , , .
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