None For Gretchen Weiners

Stuff I like that you might also enjoy

Miley Cyrus, Can U Not?

So my friend was showing me the new Urban Outfitters Spring 2014 sizzle reel, starring Miley Cyrus, who was playing the role of Justin Bieber in drag. It was hilarious.

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About 45 seconds later,  I realized it was a music video. And it wasn’t a joke.

srsly

From there, I wondered, who is the director*, and how are they employed did they come up with this “vision?” So I thought it would be a fun little exercise to go through and transcribe the director’s notes, frame-by-frame, essentially. If you don’t have the stomach to watch the video, just read these notes. It’s like the same thing and will save you from being visually assaulted (except whoops I added in some GIFS).

It should be noted that I don’t really believe this is a music video, but more an attempt to create a year’s worth of Tumblr content for hipster/goth kids.

*director is Diane Martel

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We Can’t Stop – Director’s Notes/Treatment for Miley Cyrus

Hey Miley, Here’s a breakdown of the video shoot, let me know what you think – Diane

0:00 – Cut off your ankle bracelet. Liberating and an edgy metaphor.

0:01 – Let’s start this off with some product placement, because Lord knows your dad isn’t paying for this video. Cue the Beats by Dre and those little round lip balms, they’re super trendy right now. $$$

0:09  – Just make the ugliest face you can and put in some grillz to show that you’re super hood #cantbetamed

0:12 – We’ll superimpose “Miley Cyrus” onto the screen, because at this point you’ll be so unrecognizable to your fan base that they’ll need a little reminder. K cool.

0:17 – Let’s have a girl with a penis made of smoke just stand in a dark room while the smoke just blasts out from her crotch.

0:22 – Cut to a white room with a candelabra made of pocket lighters in seasonal colors to roast marshmallows

0:23 – Cut to you/your butt; just writhe on a bed

miley cyrus bed

0:26 – We’ll have some dude eat a money sandwich – just hundred dollar bills and white bread because that’s essentially a metaphor for your life. And eating money is a metaphor for this entire production.

money sandwich

0:28 – Speaking of which, cue Eos product placement for a good 5 seconds.

0:34 – We will have a skull made of french fries. Then someone will kick it.

0:35-0:40 – Series of frames that I found on Tumblr, mostly with grotesque body parts.

0:43 – at the part where you sing “dancing with molly,” we should really bring this to life so your fans know what molly is like. Let’s put you in a kitchen next to a drag queen. You’re half naked, the room is dark, theres a pile of white bread in the corner. We’ll project a GIF of falling cheeseburgers onto you. Start slapping her ass. Then let her slap your ass.

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0:47 – Writhe around in a bathtub and play with your chewing gum.

0:50 – 0:59  – Keep doing what you’re doing, this time on the bed, for like 10 seconds.

1:00 – Now we’re going to put some rubber fingers on a white kitchen counter while someone makes a fist full of pink goop. We’ll drag a butcher knife so it looks like she’s cutting off all her fingers, and she will squeeze the pink goop so it explodes like a burst of opaque pepto-bismol hipster blood. Cool.

1:04 – Giant teddy bear dance.

1:10 – Back to the bathtub/writhing

1:14 – We can throw in a GIF from Tumblr of just like a white mask face. How bout that.

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1:23 – Get on a treadmill next to your producer Mike WiLL

1:26 – We’ll introduce the next scene with Alphabits soup spelling “TWERK” because that’s super hot right now

1:27 – This is the scene where you can twerk with a bunch of black girls who can actually twerk.

1:37 – CUE TAXIDERMY: bring in the dead animals; stuffed goats in sunglasses, standing in a circle

1:39 – Let’s have you walking a taxidermy animal in gold chains (making a creepy face, wearing fur, duh)

1:43 – Now you’re in a pool. You can wear a mesh one piece while you hold a large barbie in a matching black see-through onesie.

1:49 – Now suck on the barbie’s chin.

1:52 – Splash party with phosphorescent purple lighting. So on trend.

2:00 – Man with smoke penis, similar to the first scene with the smoke penis

2:04 – Girl dancing in smoke spray of smoke penis

2:07 – Shot of grown man sucking his thumb

2:26 – Ok now we’ll have this guy laying in a pile of white bread, he’ll rub himself and his face with the bread and then just like put it in his mouth and eat it

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2:29 – I’m almost out of ideas so let’s sprinkle in a bit of everything we just did.

2:38 – Ok now stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but let’s get a giant, beer-bottle-shaped piñata. You – wearing underwear and sunglasses – smash it, only to find out, it’s FULL OF HOT DOGS. Genius, right?! The piñata explodes with hot dogs and white bread.

2:41 – Everyone runs to the hot dogs.

2:43 – Cut to new scene: rooftop, sunset, girls with colored hair/without bras, you dressed like Justin Bieber in drag.

2:50 – Just stick your tongue out a lot, grab butts, etc.

3:00 – Wrestle a girl in a pile of smashed hot dogs.

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3:16 – Snuggle up to a half naked man who is not your fiance

3:23 – Dry hump the bed

3:26 – Grab a girls boob and stick your tongue out

3:30 – Grillz.

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AND SCENE.

Hope all that made sense, can’t wait for the shoot! xo, Diane

In summary…

1) Knowing that Miley read this and willingly participated, one can reasonably assume that Miley is aboard a fast train… a train conducted by her comrade Amanda Bynes.

2) Go home, Diane Martel. You’re drunk.

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Feel free to watch the video and inspire three weeks worth of nightmares here (parental guidance advised): 

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This entry was posted on June 21, 2013 by and tagged , , .
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