None For Gretchen Weiners

Stuff I like that you might also enjoy

It’s so Chanel

I have this weird thing with brand allegiances, like how I am with Starbucks. I somehow get emotionally attached to a brand, and once I hit that point there’s no turning back. And since this blog is all about things I like, here we go.

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Chanel. It’s everything.

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Before I delve into my favorite Chanel things, can we  talk about Karl Lagerfeld for a second? The man gives none f**ks and is essentially the biggest boss in all the universe. His cat has its own social media channels with more followers than most brands.

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Here’s some insight into the mind of the heir to Coco’s throne:

“I’m not a marketing person. I don’t ask myself questions. I go by instinct.”

“I am not a second option person. It is that or nothing. If it is not the way I see it I prefer not to see it.”

“I like to do things quickly because I’m easily bored.”

“What I hate is nasty, ugly people.”

“Yes, some people say to me you’re too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that.”

Essentially – I do what I want and you do as I say, because you’re ugly and boring. And if you think I’m too skinny then you’re fat.

Chanel Meal

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s move on.

Although I’m poor as shit, there are some things that I just will not do without. A good portion of those things are Chanel beauty products. I’m not kidding, though. You could throw my ass on a desert island and I wouldn’t change my mind. I don’t care that I’m alone and no one will be there to smell my Chance Eau Tendre Eau de Toilette, at least I’ll be covered in a delicately floral-scented veil of Chanel! I’ll be a leathery, sunburnt, emaciated beach-creature before I’ll forsake my dignity Chanel.

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I don’t know what it is, and trust me I was on that bargain-huntin’ grind for quite some time, but sometimes you just gotta look yourself in the eye and say, sack up and buy the $60 foundation. Wait that doesn’t sound sane. Anyway.

So like I was saying: bargain-huntin’ grind. This one time I did a fun experiment and tried all sorts of foundations. Searched far and wide across Nordstrom and CVS alike. Revlon to Nars, Laura Mercier to Urban Decay. Sorry Laura, but Coco is queen and Chanel will forever be perfection, regardless of price point/unfathomable markup percentages.

I was at the South Coast Plaza Nordstrom Chanel counter (clearly white girl probleming ALL over the place) trying to replace my Vitalumiere Aqua Creme Compact. I was on my lunch break, stressed and in a hurry. My gurl Kha knew what was up right away and basically was like, here, let me fix your face (she said this with her eyes, obvi…). That’s when I realized:

my face isn't very chanel

She said oh sweetie, under-eye concealer. To which I replied, “da fuq is that.” 90 seconds later she put a mirror in my face and it was like waking up from a really mild, physically painless and perturbingly quick plastic surgery. She had transformed my face with just a few swipes of liquid makeup. It was kind of like I got a head transplant.

I said, “Kha, you’re like a modern-day asian lady Jesus. I was blind and now I see.” She said, “I know,” and then I bought the products and went back to work.

The last thing I want is for my face, of all things, to not be very Chanel. But it’s not just the face makeup, it really is everything. I just can’t help myself… like, the first time I smelled Chance, I just looked up to the heavens and was like, “Father God, I KNEW you were real!! I KNEW IT!”

You know how when people are in love they say, “I didn’t know I could love like this before I met Joey,”? Well… I didn’t know I had dark circles before I met Chanel. So like, that’s basically the same thing. What I’m saying is, I’m in a committed relationship. I’m in a committed relationship with Chanel.

I just read all of this back to myself and I regret nothing.

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This entry was posted on March 31, 2014 by and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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