None For Gretchen Weiners

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Scientific Theory #1: Europa is Full of Mermaids

Although I don’t have a PhD, I was a neuroscience major for a few months in college, which, in my opinion, renders me capable of positing and publishing my brilliant scientific theories.

Now that I’ve established myself as a trustworthy and highly knowledgeable source, — a beacon of science hope, if you will — let me delve into my first (and quite possibly most important) scientific theory:

Europa is full of mermaids.

“What the f**k did you just say?” Many of you are wondering. At ease, laypeople. Let this science wizard take things back a few notches, rewind and guide you through a nautically galactic journey.

Let me set the scene: just off the southern coast of Jupiter (I can only assume it’s the south) lies a crystal ice moon.
Cue the set of Frozen 2: Let It (Gravity) Go.


This ice moon is called Europa, and as we all know, ice is made of water (thanks, subarctic space temps!).

Although on the surface, it is a permanent winter wonderland, Europa’s core is hot, meaning, Europa is NOT ice in its entirety. Meaning, Europa IS filled with water.

europa has more water than all the oceans in the world!

europa has more water than all the oceans in the world!

Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 12.53.09 PM

i made this graph to show you things

This can only mean one thing. Europa is filled with life mermaids.

how i imagine landing on europa will go

how i imagine landing on europa will go

Is this the lost world of atlantis? Who can say.

I’m a scientist not an archaeologist.

In a very very extremely cold waterplanet, life forms have tried to evolve as close as possible to humans but they can’t be humans because water.

The natural conclusion is mermaids.

not these ones. these are ugly.

not these ones. these are ugly.

For those of you looking for mermaids on earth, you have been looking in the wrong places. It is likely that earth merms have either died out, been genocided by pirates, or evolved into normal humans because it just makes more sense. The story of Ariel is a powerful and poignant account of the mermaid species in the late 1980s – many mermaids, dissatisfied with their conditions, probably took to land after following her example in the hope that they would also live in castles on land with butlers.

Europa, however, is the only place where water is legitimately the only option, so mermaids would be the most advanced life form possible.


Also. Everyone knows that if you wash and rinse your hair in cold water, it makes your hair shiny. These mermaids are in the coldest water so they likely have the prettiest shiniest hair of all time, and are likely also beautiful sirens of a frozen sea, ready to lure ice pirates to their frigid doom.

Why haven’t they tried to reach out to us? Because they’re trapped under a mile of ice, you idiot! DUH! And why would mermaids, in a world made of water, have any interest in building a space craft to come visit US?!


The end.

As you can see, this theory is irrefutable. You’re welcome world.




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This entry was posted on November 24, 2014 by and tagged , , , , , .
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